To Roadies...the Umpa Lumpa's of Death metal!!

According to my estimates, approximately 1 person in a billion will be born this year with the talent and drive to reach the zenith of hard rock stardom. Who knows what strands of fate and destiny must intertwine to cause such an event to take place? Truly you could travel the universe for eternity and not find it's equal. But this machine of heavy metal cogs and camshafts is oiled with one all important lubricant....the Roadie. For those unfamiliar with the term a "Roadie" is any individual who performs the behind the scenes work for any band. Upon entering the world of the roadie, the individual forfeits all their rights as a human being, and becomes an object owned by the band and must do anything they say. A roadie on his first gig might be asked to eat all the cigarette butts off a stage before the band goes on to ensure adequate traction while they rock the crowd to their very souls. Legendary roadie Miles "Meat Whistle" Hancock reported that a monster rocker, who he insisted remain nameless, made him try out eating the heads of many various small animals testing them all for safety and rating their "tastyness" until said rocker finally chose the bat as his signature victim.

But I don't wish to paint the roadie with just a single brush. They are a rich and diverse community of hard core rockers who would do anything to see their favorite bands play. They are the carnies of the music world. Their tireless efforts often going unnoticed and unappreciated by the millions of fans who pack themselves into these venues every year. Living off the food people leave behind, checking every single roach on the ground for just one more hit, wearing clothing that was tossed aside in a moment of hard rock frenzy....these road warriors scrape a living any way they can. You don't become a roadie for the money. Often times bands will be so constantly high that they will forget to pay their roadies for months. "I usually send about 8 bucks to each of my 74 children who live across the world for child support" says Metallica roadie Kevin "Forehead" McCallister. "But some months the band forgets to pay me, and I have to send them things I find on the ground ". This sounds shocking until he explains "but people toss out some totally sweet s***, like once I found a Taco Bell bag, and there were 3 Gorditas that no one had even touched....so, this is a sweet gig some times"!

So ladies and gentleman, I would ask you to please be upstanding as we raise our bottles of Crown Royal that we stole from our mom's boyfriend Steve's house.....to Roadies!