Ratt....Causing gender confusion since 1977

Put away the brillo pads and spoons ladies and gents, it's time for this weeks ORotW spotlight. 30 years, it sounds like a long time doesn't it? But consider this my friends, it took that guy over 100 years to paint the Mona Lisa. So comparatively speaking the contribution that Ratt has made to humanity absolutely dwarves that of some painter. With a discography that tops a whopping 6 albums, what kind of celestial adding machine would it take to tally the influx of sleaze rock awesomeness that has flowed into the universe since the band formed in 1977. With a repertoire that features the likes of songs such as Round and Round, and Wanted Man, the bus was pulling out of the station for this fivesome...and the destination was Glamrockstardomville USA. To quote Wikipedia's Ratt entry "Ratt's music was influenced by 1970s hard rock and rock bands such as Aerosmith, Sweet, Led Zeppelin, and Kiss, They fused this with heavy metal influences from the likes of Van Halen and Judas Priest." And even though I've never heard of any of these bands, I can't help but wishing they too would have made it in this big crazy merry go round called Rock N Roll for their inspiration to Ratt's development.

But just as stardom was beginning to caress our beloved hero's to her sweet perfumed bosom, tragedy was about to strike. In 1984 as the band was headlining through the deep south they were asked to be the celebrity judges of a competition in Makin Georgia. Bleary eyed and hung over from the previous nights thrash metallry, the band stumbled onto the stage and waved as the crowd boomed it's applause. After some perfunctory introduction the announcer got to the heart of the competition and across the speakers came the phrase "gentlemen....to your midgets". Horror gripped band member Matt Thorr, as the world fell out of focus. Reeling from fear Matt tried to cry aloud, but found his voice to be impotent amid the terror. Matt groped his way around the stage like a drunken sailor that had just been punched in the face with some sort of fist that makes you stumble around a lot.

No one could have seen that Matt's fear was driven by memories of roaming packs of midgets that would strike like tiny handed piranha's from the shadows of rural Vermont where he grew up. Vicious bandits that could strip a man of his money and his dignity in seconds. One night in particular rang in Matt's memory like some bell that rings memories like a bell. He had made the mistake of waiting till after dark to walk home from a friends house. Suddenly there was a movement in the shadow....was it just the wind?? Quickening his pace Matt made a crucial error in judgement as he turned down a dark lane that would be a short cut to his house. He froze as the words cut through the cold night air "can I help you find somethin' tall boy"? The head midget had a wicked mullet and rode on a scooter....no doubt stolen. Matt's judgement completely broke down as he tried to lighten the situation with a little humor..."sorry guys, did I accidentally wander down the yellow brick road"? Tiny tempers errupted as the scene deteriorated into pandemonium. Matt was dragged down and felt a thousand tiny kicks which by themselves were laughably weak, but together made for discomfort somewhere in between a pink belly and falling off your porch. As the midgets ran out of steam Matt stood back up and shuffled off toward home. "And don't you for.. forget it"! Called the head midget as he clutched his side.

Fast forward 14 years to a stumbling Matt Thorr on a stage in Makin Georgia. The panic worsening as midgets from the competition rush to come to his aid....the world goes black. As the world came back into focus, Matt was lying backstage on the floor with dozens of people around him. Suddenly a high pitched tiny voice came from the throng..."let me speak to him please". As the crowd parted Matt's horror was redoubled as he saw a small scooter approaching. "Easy there tall boy" came the voice..."I'm here to help" As the tiny figure climbed down off the scooter and pulled his flowing mullet back behind his ears he smiled and said "long time no see". he held out his cabbage patch sized hand and offered to help Matt stand up. Matt, not realizing that this gesture was actually only symbolic, grabbed the little hand and pulled hard causing his would be helper to do a face plant into Matt's crotch, but after a moment of tension everyone laughed as Matt hugged his new friend, his face covered in tears of joy. Years of fear washed away.

So where is he now? Matt Thorr is the countries foremost arbitrator of midget/regular people related grievances. In 1997 Matt was inducted into the midget hall of fame as an honorary midget with the words "There' nothing little about his heart" on his plaque.