She looks so hot! You didn't even know you could tease bangs up that high. Your denim jacket with the W.A.S.P. decal on the back looks righteous on her. She looks like an innocent and slightly less trashy Lita Ford in the moonlight. Your mouth is dry. Your palms are sweaty. You've only got 2 or 3 drags left on the smoke you stole from your step dad's dresser just hours before. If you're gonna make your move, you better do it soon stallion. Then it happens. The radio bursts forth with the most make out inspiring thrash trumpet solo the world has, and will ever know. Forever Young, by German based Alphaville has busted the proverbial move for you. I'm not saying your unlaced hightops and black skin tight jeans didn't set the mood there cowboy, but the fact that NASA scientists couldn't tell where one face ends and another begins right now is due to one man, and one man only.....Hartwig Schierbaum.
In 1983 Alphaville would offer a gift to the worlds hormone driven teenagers that was so great, no price could be placed upon it. That gift was a chance, even if ever so slight...to score. The song was as good as Spanish fly wrapped in fake compliments to the ladies. They were defenseless. All signs of resistance gone, the dudes saw their chance, and broke for the goal line like a kick-ass trans-am on a quarter mile run. Locker room "high fives" reached an all time high as reports of "scoring" flowed through high-schools like a flash flood. But sadly, Schierbaum's legacy of helping awkward teens gain access to the bra contents of their sisters best friend would outlast his own fame by many many years. The man who was at one time estimated to be responsible for 87% of all teenage pregnancy from the years 1983-1991, would be relegated to a life of obscurity within 27 hours of the songs release to the public. Industry analysts would later say "If this dude wanted to be remembered, he should have chosen a better name". By the time Ben and I had pointed out it was highly unlikely that Schierbaum had named himself, the 2 minutes we could afford to purchase of the industry analysts time was gone, and no further insight could be garnered.
So where is he now? Schierbaum realized that life is far more than the dizzy success of 27 hours at the top of the rock pyramid of god-dom. It's about helping desperate teenage boys make out for the first, and more often than not, last time. He spent a brief period of time working with engineers at the Ford motor company develop a line of make out friendly cars featuring triple sized back seat. But the idea was mothballed when the popularity of motorcycles spiked in the mid 80's due to Fonzy's reckless attitude and disarming way of saying "ehhhhhhhhhhhh". But Schierbaum truly found his calling when he opened the Chicago based "Center for dudes who are never going to make out" in 1996. The center teaches our nations youth to accept their fate, and not turn to that desperate place where so many of us had to go to get a kiss for the first time....Forever Young.
