Damn, Tommy's a Yankee

Back in 1989 when I was just a young pup, I was reading Rolling Stone Magazine and in the random notes was a little section stating that Ted Nugent was starting a new band with X-Styx guitarist Tommy Shaw, named Damn Yankees. Ever heard of em'? I gauran-damn-tee you have. After reading the news that would soon change the course of my life, I started going to the record store every other day to search through the "D's". Then one day the LP was finally there right before my blessed eyes. I picked it up, turned it over and there was my boy Tommy...but wait...isn't that...Yes it is! Jack Blades from Night Ranger! And that my ORotW friends, was the start of a great love between me and this new band Damn Yankees. This past week, a long time fan of the ORotW forwarded us the following article from his local newspaper about our beloved ORotW rock hall of famer:

Anchorage, Alaska - While taking a leave of absence from his active touring circuit, heavy metal guitarist, Tommy "The Claw" Shaw, traveled to the remote town of Umiat in the Northern Slope section of Alaska in search of fresh salmon eggs, sightseeing and relaxing serenity. Instead, the long haired hippy kid from Chicago came within inches of his final end at the hands of incensed and club-carrying Inuit Indians, intent on his brutal demise.

Badly beaten during the unexpected show of "Native American" aggression, the Metallica shirt wairing head banger from the Windy City was apparently attacked at bat's end as he was quietly writing poetry pond-side at the small private lodge where he was housed. The sleek song-writer supposedly never would have survived the savagery, had it not been for the quick actions of regional paper supply company manager and slushy distributor, Sal Maldonado, of Sal's Alaskan Dog Sled Slushies.

Sal reported the incident as he puffed "tobacco" through his walrus-tusk pipe with airplane-traveling reporter, Emil Heirhart, of the Atanik Poontangler. The stout shouldered Sal said that the unusual Eskimo onslaught had stemmed from the clan's lack of familiarity with "long-haired" peoples, and that the area residents of the semi-nomadic Arnakua'gsak tribe had simply mistaken the long haired man for their unmerciful and oft-mocking God of Femininity and Domesticality, the cross dressing Inuit deity, Ek Chique.

Mr. Maldonado further explained to an intrigued Emil that the deeply spiritual clan had been getting, "very upset about their regional whale-blubber businesses losing ground to fast-talking GOP lyposuction lobbyists and fast-growing fat-sucking technologies". "When they saw unsuspecting Tommy sitting there, they could only see their evil sexually confused god, Ek Chique, and they just snapped," stated Tommy's rugged, syrup-distributing savior.

Apparently watching the wild event unfold from his favorite wooden rocker on the front porch of remote, Pukhunghorse's Last Resort, the long-time rural resident realized the monstrous motivations of the encroaching Eskimos, as he witnessed their methodical movement toward the oblivious musical manuscript scribbler. Sal scrambled into the lodge and foraged through the pine desk of his small office as he could hear the surprised Tommy Boy outside, running out of time and squeeling like a club beaten baby seal in the fetal position.

Drawing in the source of his rescue-attempt revelation, Sal ran to the pond to carry out his bold plan, as enraged Eskimos continued to pound on the purple parka-wearing song writer with their whale-rib clubs. Finally facing off between the battered band leader and his armed assailants, Sal sprung his attack. Eskimos stood motionless and in awe as the quick-thinking slushy maker slowly revealed the still-cellophaned cover of the recently released DVD, March of the Penguins.

As Umiatian medicine men patched up the pummeled, but relieved, rock icon, Intuits promised not to make the same mistake in the future and quickly filed into the tiny lodge theater to enjoy their sacred new video treat.

This photo taken just seconds before Tommy was beat down like a baby seal.To the man who brought us the hit song High Enough, the ORotW wishes you a speedy recovery.

Brought to you by Ben Thomas and the Flying V.