Damn, Tommy's a Yankee

Back in 1989 when I was just a young pup, I was reading Rolling Stone Magazine and in the random notes was a little section stating that Ted Nugent was starting a new band with X-Styx guitarist Tommy Shaw, named Damn Yankees. Ever heard of em'? I gauran-damn-tee you have. After reading the news that would soon change the course of my life, I started going to the record store every other day to search through the "D's". Then one day the LP was finally there right before my blessed eyes. I picked it up, turned it over and there was my boy Tommy...but wait...isn't that...Yes it is! Jack Blades from Night Ranger! And that my ORotW friends, was the start of a great love between me and this new band Damn Yankees. This past week, a long time fan of the ORotW forwarded us the following article from his local newspaper about our beloved ORotW rock hall of famer:

Anchorage, Alaska - While taking a leave of absence from his active touring circuit, heavy metal guitarist, Tommy "The Claw" Shaw, traveled to the remote town of Umiat in the Northern Slope section of Alaska in search of fresh salmon eggs, sightseeing and relaxing serenity. Instead, the long haired hippy kid from Chicago came within inches of his final end at the hands of incensed and club-carrying Inuit Indians, intent on his brutal demise.

Badly beaten during the unexpected show of "Native American" aggression, the Metallica shirt wairing head banger from the Windy City was apparently attacked at bat's end as he was quietly writing poetry pond-side at the small private lodge where he was housed. The sleek song-writer supposedly never would have survived the savagery, had it not been for the quick actions of regional paper supply company manager and slushy distributor, Sal Maldonado, of Sal's Alaskan Dog Sled Slushies.

Sal reported the incident as he puffed "tobacco" through his walrus-tusk pipe with airplane-traveling reporter, Emil Heirhart, of the Atanik Poontangler. The stout shouldered Sal said that the unusual Eskimo onslaught had stemmed from the clan's lack of familiarity with "long-haired" peoples, and that the area residents of the semi-nomadic Arnakua'gsak tribe had simply mistaken the long haired man for their unmerciful and oft-mocking God of Femininity and Domesticality, the cross dressing Inuit deity, Ek Chique.

Mr. Maldonado further explained to an intrigued Emil that the deeply spiritual clan had been getting, "very upset about their regional whale-blubber businesses losing ground to fast-talking GOP lyposuction lobbyists and fast-growing fat-sucking technologies". "When they saw unsuspecting Tommy sitting there, they could only see their evil sexually confused god, Ek Chique, and they just snapped," stated Tommy's rugged, syrup-distributing savior.

Apparently watching the wild event unfold from his favorite wooden rocker on the front porch of remote, Pukhunghorse's Last Resort, the long-time rural resident realized the monstrous motivations of the encroaching Eskimos, as he witnessed their methodical movement toward the oblivious musical manuscript scribbler. Sal scrambled into the lodge and foraged through the pine desk of his small office as he could hear the surprised Tommy Boy outside, running out of time and squeeling like a club beaten baby seal in the fetal position.

Drawing in the source of his rescue-attempt revelation, Sal ran to the pond to carry out his bold plan, as enraged Eskimos continued to pound on the purple parka-wearing song writer with their whale-rib clubs. Finally facing off between the battered band leader and his armed assailants, Sal sprung his attack. Eskimos stood motionless and in awe as the quick-thinking slushy maker slowly revealed the still-cellophaned cover of the recently released DVD, March of the Penguins.

As Umiatian medicine men patched up the pummeled, but relieved, rock icon, Intuits promised not to make the same mistake in the future and quickly filed into the tiny lodge theater to enjoy their sacred new video treat.

This photo taken just seconds before Tommy was beat down like a baby seal.To the man who brought us the hit song High Enough, the ORotW wishes you a speedy recovery.

Brought to you by Ben Thomas and the Flying V.

Brian Forsythe

Not every band can say it's "kid tested and mother approved", but Kix would be the exception. The enigmatic name of this thrash metal five-some has been rumored to be somehow related to it's members favorite way to cure the munchies. And even though the fad of naming your band after America's favorite puffed corn based cereal treat rose and fell with this one band, I can't help but ask myself...."Hey stallion (that's what I call myself is stallion), would the band Kix have ever survived the varitable mosh pit of 80's metal bands without the guitarical ass-kickery of Brian Forsythe"? Although no one can say for sure, I can say for sure the answer is no. From the moment this plucky group entered the studio to record it's self titled first album, it was clear that the river of hash metal was going to flow through Forsythe like some sort of river. The debut album featured several monster hits such as "Heartache", "The Itch" and "Poison" which is rumored to have been the inspiration for some other band's name, I don't know who. In 1986 the band was rocked to it's very core when Forsythe was involved in an ordeal that very nearly cost this up and coming guitarist everything. While walking to the bands bus after playing a wicked session in a bar in Shreveport LA, an unidentified individual was heard to yell "You suck Forsythe". The scene was instant pandemonium. Enraged fans began looking for the culprit while roadies escorted an emotionally devastated Forsythe onto the bus. The criticism had cut Brian to the quick. His emotions were out of controll as he would swing from starving himself for hours at a time, to binging on the then popular "Domino's" pizza, thus avoiding the Noid. "This went on for what seemed like hours" quoted fellow band member "the lead singer from Kix". But Forsythe was about to receive some advice that would change his life. While waiting in line for the restroom at a Chevron, Brian struck up a conversation with a Hindu Raja named Steve. Forsyth begged the advice when the 17 year old Kentuckian simply replied "I don't think you suck". "It was like a weight had been lifted from my very soul" Forsyth would later describe in his auto-biography "Forsythe is 20/20". Now armed with the chain-mail of not thinking he sucked Brian would never be wounded by this type of criticism again.

So where is he now? Brian's Bio places him with a new band named Rhino Bucket. ORotW has yet to determine if the name reffers to a Bucket full of Rhino, or a Bucket made of Rhino. In addition to this, Brian also finds time to attend school to become a vetrinary assistant. As if this weren't enough Forsyth still devotes at least 2 hours daily to cold calling the Schreveport area and looking for his "White Whale". "My soul can't truly rest until I have a chance to tell that punk you know what man....maybe you suck"

Brought to you by Ben Thomas and the Flying V.

Vernon "Wasssup!" Reid

During the 80's, Rock had become completely segregated and quite predictable with the onslought of pretty boy's wanting to dress up like ugly women. This was just the opposite of what we saw in the 60's and 70's when such musically and ethnically varied artists like Jimi Hendrix, Sly and The Family Stone and Santana dominated the rock world. But Bands like New York's own Living Colour helped break down the black and white doors by the end of the 80's leading to a much more open-minded musical landscape. In essence paving the way for bands like Rage Against the Machine and Sevendust.

ORotW would like to show our diversity and pay homage by giving a "Wasssup!" shoutout to our brotha from anotha motha Mr. Vernon Reid.

In 1985 Verndogg co-founded the Black Rock Coalition to counter the pigeonholing and marginalization of black musicians everywhere. Vernon has referred to his involvement in the BRC as a sonic kaleidoscope, a tumble of colors and a whirl of astonishing visions that exposed his vivid personal landscape and illuminated one or many sides of himself.

Although best known for Cult of Personality and being the spiritual leader of Living Colour he will be ultimately remembered for creating the "Wasssup!" slogan in the series of commercials for Budweiser.

So where is he now? Although protesting beyond the law is not a departure from democracy, Brother Reid believes it is ablsolutely essential to it. Here he is with his BCR brothren marching in the wake of Tiananmen (click).

Today's shout out really hits home for one of ORotW's own, "the Flying V" who's mother claims to have named him after a certain Vernon for his jumping abilities.

Brought to you by Ben Thomas and the Flying V.

John Leven "The Brave Face of Sleaze"

For todays ORotW shout out we go "across the pond" as the Brits would say, to the tropical paradise of Sweden. Known for it's pancakes, meatballs and volleyball, the quaint little country has been overlooked for it's greatest contribution to humanity so far, the birthing of one of glam-rocks most prodigious icons....John Leven. Providing the bong rattling bass for the mega-band Europe, John kept hidden a secret that could have ripped the band apart in a fashion that would have made Sammy Haggar proud. John was harboring a terrible secret, he was suffering from a condition known as "Severe Photo-malignment disorder". The illness makes it impossible for it's host to remain in the center of any photo taken of their face. In a world where rock wanna-be's rained from the sky like so much raining rain, the disorder had the potential to deal a haymaker punch to the rising star from Stockholm. Leven managed to hide his handicap by convincing his bandmates to take nothing but group photos during their formative years, thereby masking his agony with some of sleaze-rocks most cherished photographs such as this, that single handedly sparked a leather shortage most countries still haven't recovered from. But the winds of change were about to blow....
In 1986 the stardom of Leven and his fellow Europeans would be set in stone with the release of The Final Countdown. The mesmerizing keyboard rifs had sung their siren song and captured the hearts of the worlds angsty youth. Knowing that their rock-god-dom was secured, Leven finally felt that the time was right to drop his media a-bomb and come clean with the world. In an emotionally charged radio interview, the news of Johns harrowing life tale was shared with the world. In a stunning display of support, an estimated 87% of Europes fan base congregated on the small radio shack in Santaquin Utah (home of Gary Coleman incidentally) to tell their idol, "we don't care how damaged you are...we love you" Once all 27 people were inside the reception room for the radio station, emotions overflowed as people cryed and hugged before they found out the radio interview was actually conducted over the phone and Leven wasn't there.
In one final shocking twist of fate, Europe lead vocalist Joey Tempest announced that he too suffered a debilitating photo related disability. Known simply as "Photo auto-confusion", the disorder forces it's victim to look as if they are highly confused when pictures of them are taken. The 2 band mates allegedly shared a very tender "high five" moment when the 2 saw eachother next.
So where is he now?
John Leven has become a champion for photo-disabled people worldwide. From the guy that always thinks it's funny to flip the bird surreptitously in company photos, to the habitual blinker, Levens work is being seen across the globe. His last known location was working for National Geographic in Africa convincing women to wear shirts during their shoot.

Brought to you by Ben Thomas and the Flying V.