Ronnie James Dio...You Can't Fight Heredity

The birth of an individual like Ronnie James Dio takes place, the only possible explanation can be the convergence of musical cosmic energy with some type of super potent glam-rock radiation from the sun or something. An event so epic in it's scope, one has to question the validity of Nostradamus for not prognosticating it. The lead vocals, and namesake for the Thrash metal band Dio, Ronnie's roman candle of stardom was lit in 1972 and has burned ever since. Built upon the age old platform of Good vs Evil, Dio's numerous albums have featured such titles as Holy Diver, Lock up the Wolves, Killing the Dragon and We Rock. I like this last one particularly because it lays to rest any thinking that the band may not rock.

But like all things in this universe, the Ying to Dio's superstar Yang was about to reveal it's ugly head....literally. The karmic energy of their mega fame was about to be balanced. In 1981 as the band was touring through the Bible belt, they lodged at a Super 8 motel in Kansas city MO. A booking error forced Ronnie to have to room with fellow band mate Simon Wright. The morning routine started the next day like always, Ronnie hopped in the shower and began to towel off as Simon prepared for his shower. As Simon went to step into the shower he stopped short. "What the hell is that" he asked pointing toward the drain. Ronnie dropped the towel and fell face first into the tub in his scrambling to pull the long rock infused hairs from the drain. Simon looked down upon his weeping twisted body and asked "dude, are you losing your hair"? An emergency band meeting was called. Ronnie wore a knit hat, but the tear streamed face was too much to hide. "I need to tell you all something" he choked out. "I've been seeing a doctor for several months now, and....there's no easy way to say this so I'll just say it....I'm suffering from male pattern baldness" Rudy Sarzo's quick reflexes were the only thing that kept Scott Warren from doing a faceplant into the coffee table as he fainted. As order was restored in the room, and Scott regained consciousness the talk turned to what the band was to do. The first suggestion was that Ronnie should kill himself and allow the band to split the life insurance policy he held, but this was defeated when a call to the insurance company revealed a gap in the policy that doesn't allow for suicide due to hair loss. Talk turned to developing a wicked comb over or perhaps using a toupee, but the degree of physicality in Ronnie's personal style of on stage rocking wouldn't allow for this. Forehead painting, chia forehead, extreme face lifting, all of these ideas were considered and ruled out. "Listen you guys....I have to go, there's no way around it" Ronnie said with a brave determination etched in his face. And with that, he turned and walked out.

There was a somber feeling that night as the band prepared to play it's gig at the Horny Sailor bar and grill. Ronnie had come along to help the roadies move equipment. As the band began to play, the crowd was noticing a definite lack of singing. Some got up and walked out, some started to jeer and make comments like "I wish they had a singer". As the crowds rage continued to grow they started lashing out violently. Bottles were thrown, bras and panties that had been thrown to the band members were taken back by their owners, cigarette buts were flipped at the musicians. The band members looked over at Ronnie with "what do we do" looks in their eyes. And right at that moment he realized something....he could sit there sidelined by his hideous condition, or he could get back in the game and give male pattern baldness the finger! He stood up straight, and with stoic heroism he took off the knit hat.....and walked out on stage.

So where is he now.....
The ORotW wasn't able to track down any of the six remaining fans from the crowd that night for comment, but I think we can all visualize what it must have been like to have been part of that historic event. Ronnie James Dio continues to tour and make the music we have all come to love. But he also wears another hat....no, not the knit hat of shame, but an imaginary hat of not being ashamed to have a receding hairline. He always finds time when on tour to appear at local support groups for men with this most fiendish of afflictions. Stopping men on the street with combovers or really obvious toupees and giving such words of encouragement as "Rock the dome bro", or "Bald is beautiful man". Finally, our insiders from the biz tell us that Ronnie is planning to attend and host a hairline intervention with Donald Trump at the unveiling of the Trump towers in Las Vegas, we'll have more details as they emerge.

Jon Oliva.....beyond the porno-stache

It's Thursday, so lets once again whip this pony we call the ORotW. If you aren't readily faimiliar with a little band called Savatage, then you have clearly been living in a hole, on an asteroid, in a different, galaxy, that hasn't even passed through the milky way, with your fingers in your ears, and your mind closed to the psychic vibrations of the best rock of all time. For the rest of us, rocking out to Twisted Little Sister from the bands debut album Sirens, probably consumes between 78 and 83% of our day. I never understood the lyrics, but from the title we can only assume it might be about the sister of someone who may or may not be twisted, and the celebration of said entwistulation.

Enter todays ORotW spotlight....Jon Oliva. A founding member (HA I totally said member....but there's no time for that now!), of Savatage, Jon took the reigns of the bands Vocals, Keyboard and Pianist upon it's creation in 1981. At this point I have to ask all of you to please suspend your logic and just take what I'm about to say on faith, for it may well be the least believable thing you have ever heard. The gods of musical talent blessed Jon with such prodigious skill that at times he was know to both play his keyboard, and sing...AT THE SAME TIME!!! "But that's not possible The Flying V....You're clearly lying to us the Flying V....You're eating the mushrooms that grow in the back of your closet again The Flying V". Oh really fools....then maybe you would care to explain THIS.?!? Incontrovertible evidence that this man, this supernova of musical talent, did in fact at least once manage to pull off this seemingly magical feat. Can you imagine being in the crowd? "Dude...did he just sing AND play the keyboard"?!? If you could convince yourself that this wasn't some contact high induced hallucination, you would have the most cherished moment of rock history indelibly tattooed in your brain. You could go to that happy place any time you wanted like when your probation officer is totally bugging you for the five zillionth time about whether or not you did your 5 hours of community service at the retirement community for trying to steal beer from the 7-11 by drinking it before leaving the store thereby leaving no evidence of your crime except the beer cans on the floor and the surveillance tape of you drinking them while hiding behind the Street Fighter game that has your initials 5th from the top on the High Score page because of that time you were totally in the zone and no one could beat you and then you tried to bail through the back door when the guy working behind the counter saw you but it turns out there isn't a back door so they locked you in the stock room till the cops got there like 3 days later cause it was a holiday weekend....like then.

So where is Jon now? After the gig in which Jon blew the collective minds of the musical community with his multi musicalism, he had to disappear from society as we know it. A humble musician, Jon knew he was not ready to wear the mantle of glam-rock superstardom that destiny had appointed. OroTW fact checker and head rock sleuth, me, has a acquired a piece of underground rock knowledge that may shed a little more light on this story. The Hutu tribe of central Africa speaks of the existence of a "White Music God". It is alleged that this diety has the notable talent of being able to sing WHILE playing the Uhadi.....sound familiar anyone???