The Ballad of Ben Thomas

My dear friends, today the ORotW rose has truly lost it's thorn. Our Night has lost it's dawn. Our Cowboy has lost his sad sad song. Ben Thomas, the cookie crunch to this Twix we call the ORotW, has left us. Like an Albino tiger in a Las Vegas act, the penal system which keeps us safe has turned on me and denied me the privilege of our dear friends future companionship. You would think that with people Jay walking left right and center or packs of teenagers flagrantly loitering where signs specifically prohibit such felonius activity, that a good samaratin buying a few 6 packs and some Camels for some 12 year olds could go about his business without becoming the target of the local federalies and their obvious anti rocker discrimination. So one of these kids happens to be the son of the local District Attorney....does that make this any different from the dozens and dozens of times we have hung out at the Junior High and offered to buy kids beer??? Of course not! But my friends I tell you this much, our friend Ben wasn't going to let "the man" simply get away with this type of facist BS. In a display of heroism the likes of which I have never even heard of, Ben stood defiantly before the judge and in a raised voice full of passion and fervor sang "We shall overcome....we shall overcome" time and time again. The courtroom errupted in an emotional outburst of crying as the entire galley of onlookers (me and some homeless guy who hangs out in the courtroom) begged for the judge to show mercy. As order was restored and the Judge fixed his cold hard gaze upon the proud face of our hero the air seemed to be sucked from the room as he handed down the sentence....."A twenty dollar fine and 3 hours of community service" Was this some horrible mistake? Had the judge perhaps mixed up the files and mistaken Ben to be some homicidal maniac? How could such a miscarriage of justice happen in a great country such as this? Feeling as though I had been punched in the stomach by that guy who bit the ear off the other guy, not the grill one, the one that has the high squeaky voice and says he'll eat people's children, I nearly collapsed and dropped my Mountain Dew Slurpee. As I watched a solitary tear roll down Ben's cheek and disappear into his goatee, I heard him utter the phrase that would rival Bravehearts "FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMMMMMMMM" right before they chopped his head off in it's display of bravery, "Your honor, I choose not to pay". Now, I knew that Ben could no sooner come up with 20 bucks than fly to the moon, but that judge sure didn't. The shocked look on his face as he remarked "Well, I'm in a good mood....lets waive the fine and drop the community service to 30 minutes of weeding in the park" was priceless. Again..."Your honor, I choose not to pay, and further more I will refuse to pay any fine you should impose even if it's only Fifty dollars", which I have to admit kinda confused me. But the message was clear. Somewhere in the distance I swear I could hear Twisted Sister yelling "We're not gonna take it....we're not gonna take it ANY MORE"

So, here we find ourselves. Free to come and go as we please, while the bravest man I'll ever know rots in some festering minimum security facility working as a telemaketer for Sprint (which can totally help you reduce your monthly long distance bill by the way) for the next 18 months. I'm hoping that gives him enough time to earn the $2800 for the fine too, but they only pay him like sixteen cents an hour so we'll see. But every day I carry my ghetto blaster down to the jail from 11:20 to 11:40 and turn it up as loud as it will go while he has his 20 minutes of rec time in the yard. Because if I know anything I know this....You can put the rocker on the rock, but you can't take the rock out of the rocker!

Here's to Tucking it, Turkey Burgers, The Tuck N' Roll, a free X10, Immitation Crab, and the 50/50. You will be missed. Good luck Bro!